DISMANTLING SHAME: a poem

Shame was a control weapon,

Making me apologetic,

Judgmental,

Sick.

A slave master disguised in good-girl manners

Asking me to hold it together, to have integrity,

To be grateful

While shredding me from the inside.

I tried to dismantle shame, 

Intellectualizing its origins,

Talking about it,

Taking in advices of separation and force. 

I hoped to unravel it through discipline,

Solitude and meditation

“C’mon everyone has it, it’s all about taming it” I’d convince myself.

And while I was digging for its roots,

It hid in plain sight.

Because shame is not a problem in the past,

I’m tired of shining light on traumas,

Shame is here,

It’s in my posture,

In my gaze,

In my focus,

In the way I speak about and to myself.

And so I began to dance,

Not all by myself

This time I dared to be witnessed.

Awkward, uncool, messy,

My bones and muscles moving in rhythm.

I held my flesh together,

Inhabiting it with the beast 

As it asked me to be invited to dance.

And so we danced,

Through cycles of pain and pleasure

And this time 

The grip that once would make me collapse

Surrendered as I witnessed it with compassion.

And so we danced,

Rooting in the magic of Thank you and I’m sorry.