To belong to myself

To belong(v.)mid-14c., "to go along with, properly relate to," from be- intensive be-
Prefix indicating proximity, attachment, closeness, etc.
prefix, + longen "to go," from Old English langian "pertain to, to go along with," which is of uncertain origin but perhaps related to the root of long (adj.)
from root *del- (1) "long" (source also of Greek dolikhos "long," endelekhes "perpetual"). Latin longus (source of prolong, elongate, longitude, etc.)

 

As the word suggests, “belonging” is a sense of being part of something and, at the same time, holding something as part of yourself. It breeds unity and wholeness.

I love that belonging is about my being going along with something I deeply care about.

It’s 07:32 AM, I’m sitting at my desk, next to me there is a tea pot with warm black tea. I just gifted myself an hour of being present with my body, stretching gently, gathering my attention to what I’m moving through and praying. 

Waking up before the light of the day settles into the house is quite magical. The silence, the slow pace of my body awakening with ease, not rush.

It does not happen daily. Usually I wake up later, maybe around 9 am, take my phone scroll for a bit on the toilet and then deal with the animals while being very distracted by the lives, thoughts and opinions of so many people around the world I just witnessed on the screen.

Then I usually proceed with my workout, while my body is clearly not ready, my attention is all over the place. After the workout, I’m exhausted and potentially grumpy. My day begins with bulldozing myself into actions that are not producing a sense of belongingness and fierceness. The scrolling, the forcing, the scatteredness of intention. 

I've learned that my habits influence my well being more than anything else.

Someone said that we’re all very disciplined, discipline is a sum of repeated actions towards a goal, we might not be present and aware of our goals but the repetition of certain actions definitely produce an outcome.

I pride myself for being a disobedient, sovereign woman but I’m clearly feeling this scatteredness, I’m not belonging to myself because my habits are not in service of a feeling of being rooted and intentional, of being present with what matters to me.

My mum is an amazing teacher, she studied anthroposophy, she worked in a Waldorf school for many years, and most of all, she loves children. Recently she told me that no matter how knowledgeable, how intelligent, how rich parents are, what children need the most is presence and attention, eyes and spirit focused on them. 

Yes, attention is our greatest investment. I’ve severely underestimated how important it is to direct my presence and attention to what matters to me through my actions, daily practices. Because I can say I want to be present with my animals, my loved ones, my creative projects but my daily actions are not in service of that intention. I find myself zooming out, distracted, ungrateful, grumpy, unsettled.

Maybe this outcome is the result of my daily actions and nothing more.

And so here I am, sitting at this desk, writing and feeling quite grounded because the past 2 hours were in service of this intention to be and feel rooted. 

I’ve recently written that for me Autumn is a season to focus on the roots, on the foundations of our life. I believe that our daily repeated actions and practices are what build that foundation. And no, it’s not about having it all figured out, it’s about actually realizing that we have a lot more agency and we can all constantly learn to belong to ourselves and to what matters to us through assessing, pivoting, trying what works and what doesn’t, daily.