Yes when is Yes, No when is No.

Yesterday we went on a little trip to the nearest free hot springs. 2 hours of car drive to be able to soak our beautiful bodies in 41°C of warm water.

As soon as our friend invited us to go, I felt a timid but clear yes. It was pouring rain so the weather was not inviting and yet, when I feel a “yes”,  it is a “yes”.

Micke was positive too so we packed a bag with our swimsuits and off we went.

When we arrived, it was raining, we joyfully greeted our friend and walked down a gravel road which, on the left side, had beautiful little gardens and luscious wild plants growing everywhere. We arrived at this outdoor spot where two hot spring pools were casually placed on the side of the gravel road and few people were immersed in them. Those pools have been there for two thousand years. The Romans loved soaking in thermal water so they built simple sturdy structures around any thermal area they could find. Thank you, Romans.

We undressed and hooped inside and my body took a long exhale.

I stayed in for over 3 hours, going out only for a couple of minutes at a time to give my body a break. The rain was drizzling on the surface of the water as my body was embraced by the warmth. 

“I’m going to get used to this feeling of choosing myself unapologetically, I just need to PRACTICE saying “yes” when it's "yes " and "no " when is a “no”.” I thought as I was soaking in the water looking at the cypresses in the distance. Easier said than done. But I’m committed.

I’m writing about this to remember that sense of being centered in me and choosing to not question whether I should be feeling too lucky, too privileged and give more, be more sorry for other people’s suffering and help more. As I type these words I know how undermining and unnecessary this way of thinking is, I feel grief for having decentered myself out of shame for so long that when I actually feel good I need to be actively very disciplined to not slip back into feeling shame again.

These are the roots, the foundations that this Autumn asks me to build and focus on: the discipline to choose to stay rooted and center in myself, in what I feel in my body rather than over-extend and question every move, whether I deserve it or not.

This month I’m working on the “yes” and the “no” that naturally arise every time there’s a decision to be taken.

Now, bear with me, this “work” is tailored to me, unique to my own story and life. I’m not sharing this specific practice to teach something, I’m sharing it to tell my story.

Saying “yes” when is a “yes” and “no” when is a “no” is a very challenging and yet necessary practice for me to be disciplined on as I build stronger roots of Trust within and without. Trust is the goal and the journey of every relationship. Trust in myself, in others and the world begins from following my first yes or no, without over analyzing it. It begins within, in the sovereignty of following through what I feel first as life and directions present themselves to me.

This practice is not effective on those who never analyze their choices, who follow their impulses and trust their urges and let their actions follow through. I will get there eventually but now is the time to rebuild that trust. It’s been easier (in the moment) to abandon myself and my urges and needs, to talk myself in or out of my first “no” or “yes”. So this practice is foundationally necessary to focus on for me now.

Yesterday I said yes and no to different requests. It was uncomfortable, especially the “NO”, very uncomfortable. And yet, the “reward” for having trusted myself in those moments is much more magical than I expected. It’s a series of unexpected beautiful situations and experiences and feelings that follow as a result of having said yes or no. I’m realizing that it is all about practice. Doing seemingly uncomfortable things that I deeply know are important to do is the way to de-condition myself from shame and re-build strong foundations to have a wider capacity to hold more of the beauty my heart wants to create and experience.